Someone asked me to get naked today.
We were friends. He broke up with his ex 5 months ago but still has feelings for her. I came in his life about a month and a half after he broke up. And I loved him. I still do. We do video calls and audio messages and all, but just not sex or anything related to it. I told him in the start that I will visit him soon but now, I am planning not to. This comes after his frequent, unwelcomed manoeuvres to break me into giving him sexual benefits. These sexual benefits often range from using slur language with him, doing ‘sexting,’ and sending him videos of me masturbating. And today, just now, we were on a call, when he told me to strip naked for him. I did not.
I am awed at how easily these boys can do this. Or at-least he can. He is my first love. But … I can’t believe he knew this and tried to take advantage of it in such a bold way. Like, how can anyone do it? It sent chills down my spine when I fully comprehended what he was asking for. That is, to get naked, in-front of a camera, and let my body, all genitalia visible being on display to this random guy who I just know from the internet. I know it is a paradox: “A random guy on the internet that I have fallen in love with.” But still, being in love does not mean I should be their slave. I am not going to get on my knees in-front of your d*** and let you put droplets down my throat. I love you but … I do not think you do. You say you do. And you say you want sex because you “had it abundantly in your previous relationship” but … I am not your previous girlfriend. I am me. Recognise me. I do not do a million stupid things that you used to do, and sex is just one part of them. I am keeping you free. I let you stay away and still ask for you every time. I am clingy as fuck, just like you wanted me to be. You said you like short hairs and I cut my hairs. I know human hairs are made to be cut but … I am a girl. I had long hairs that covered all my back. What if I liked them that way? Did you even ask if I liked them that way? All you said was I like short hairs. And I cut them for you. I lost my hairs, and made you smile, and for me it was as good as any trade can get. Now you want me to cut them ‘boyish’? Like … please. No. It is difficult. I am a human being. Please let me be a human being and not make me a doll because I love you.
You often say you love me. You give me kisses and I reciprocate too. But you give way too much. You are a follower of your lust. You want sex. Shockingly enough, you have said it often on my face too. But have you seen me go away? I side-line, I distract, I try to make you calm and channelise your sexual energy into some other path, repeatedly. Why do I have to do this additional work? You don’t have to do it, do you? I don’t give you all this emotional baggage that you put me under. Pardon, why??? You cried to sleep with me, remembering your ex. I was filled with love for you. Now when you want me to go sleep with you in a bed in E11, I don’t know how to react. I don’t want to admit I chose a wrong person. Did I?
I studied you. I read you. I investigated you, and I still do. You are an amalgamation of colliding situations. You wounded yourself with the words that you wrote for others to see. I found you depressed to the point of being suicidal, and a hardcore Muslim at the same time, back when I came into your life in November 2021. Now, I see you smiling, far from Islam. You renounced your link with Allah a few days ago and all I told you was okay. Do you realize that I am engaged with someone who works inside Al-Haram. I can marry him today and **** you off in an instance, but I do not. Why? Perhaps, this is a point for me to ponder upon.
I do not know where your path leads you. I like to think that I know but to be honest, I do not know where mine leads me either. I will pray to Allah, the same you accused of being blind towards you, that he may give your everlasting hidayt.
Bye.
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