I started a lot of stuff this month! For the first time, I made a monthly planner at the start, and now have completed almost all the tasks, and hopefully would do the last remaining before leaving for home on Saturday: 30th Apr. I completed my first internship. And then started my first paid internship. For the first time, I detected a pseudo-interview before it happened and therefore was able to save my time, energy and money going on there.
Bad things happened too. I gave up on a research paper that I have to write for my final exam for the 6th semester. It is one awful awful subject called Sampling and Research Methodology. Dragging it every week in hopes of focusing on it “soon” did not work. That soon never came. I am still gonna have to write it but this time, with no particular effort. I will just write stuff until the word count is full and that’s that. (Or get it done from fiverr, who knows). In the class of Broadcast Journalism, I have to prepare a small part for a Talk-show. This led me to research Jam Nazim and Jam Awais Khan of Sindh. Jam Awais killed Nazim because the latter made a video of the former’s guest hunting Houbara Bustard, which is restricted. Before killing him in the dark dungeon of his otherwise spacious resident, Jam Awais made sure to make a lesson out of Nazim. The limbs and faces of Nazim were mutilated to fulfil Jam Awais’ holy anger. Genitalia was tortured as is the custom in Jam Awais’ Sindh, sponsored by the state of Pakistan. Oh! and btw, did you see this “Murad Ali Shah in the governor's house” photoshoot in The Dawn? Oh! what a waste of state money that was! (Don’t come back with “it’s his own money”. It was never his in the first place, and poor or pseudo-rich, pretentious people look foolish defending their own cruel masters). I hope that is not you.
Anyways, enough for the hatred. I loved how I kept myself in Ramadan this month. Love is a small word. Infatuated! I am infatuated by me this Ramadan and the spice of the tale, the icing on the cake is that I did not keep any fast. So, it was not at all religion that was the source of this happiness. Now that Ramadan is ending, here goes the story: In December 2021, I used the money for my semester fees to buy Steam games as an escape route to a bad breakup. The deadline for that fee was April 2022. So, in April, I had to live pennilessly. I take the responsibility for my actions, but not without some spitting facts eh: Had it been a rich kid in my situation in December, he or she could simply have asked for money, or stolen, from her dad and mom (we (poor and middle classes) all do that while growing up, you aren't an exception). 13,000RS? Not a problem! People born with a divine right to rule, to be elite and harass the rest of 99% of the country don’t have to go hungry for any reason whatsoever. Again, I am not trying to avert the consequences of MY bad decision upon this elitist economy but I will make sure that we all know, “Irrationally spending money once in life, as an escape mechanism, because of a brutalfuckingbreakup, to escape depression and suicidal thoughts at that time was not a crime worth a month-long hunger. Luckily, I had to pay it back in the month of Ramadan. Unluckily, I am not a Muslim, so all this unintentional fasting did me no Islamic good at all. That’s when I got to know another awesome thing about my international SMART blah blah blah university!
Non-Muslims are not given lunch or breakfast in NUST in Ramadan, except in one hostel (outta 11 that are in total, only for boys, and more under construction too :) So, whenever I missed Sehri, I basically had to survive on one meal for 24 hours. I was not even fasting. The exchange students who come here and are not Muslims, until or unless they don’t use their own money or travel to that one hostel (considering that is so inconvenient in this hot summer sun for a full month), these people are forced to keep unintentional fasts with us. How convenient huh, for a university taking 8000-9000 every month from every enrolled student as mess fees, how effing convenient! I can’t fathom the justice in place where people could not have their breakfasts and lunches while the head of the institution can have a fleet of new shiny vehicles at his service. Do note that the Rector himself has nothing to do with these cars. My anger is not directed at him (well not all of it tbh) but at the system, which ensured any and all leaders are entitled to such ridiculous luxuries. It’s the system which unequally distributes wealth, away and away from me and closer and closer to capitalists. People work more than I do and have to go hungry for days while I get 3 times meals in normal months. The system doing this, capitalism, should be any sane person’s collective target. Here I would also apologize to the Rector if by some miracle he reads this, I don't mean to offend him. Also because I need my degree right? He can destroy my future by not giving me the degree (that's the system we are against people). He or the one who preceded him or the probable General Saab who will follow him, I hate not the criminal but the crime. I hate not the entitled but the system which maketh them entitled. I hate not a cooperative capitalist who lives within his paycheck but the capitalist system which swells his paycheck to unnatural amounts. He or his fellows, "board of directors" or whatever fancy name they give themselves, they do make the system though hehe. More on this topic after I get my degree 😂
Sorry … I got carried away. But there is another story. I usually write at the end of every week, about what I am grateful for and what are the wrongs for which I have no excuses. In the last week, I could not find any of the latter. I did not boast, speak too much, give in to porn addiction, spend a penny more than necessary or do any other things that I know me is weak in. I did not do anything like this, but it scared me. Because if you don’t have faults, you won’t improve right? I shuffled through the stack of previous week's papers and read the previous week’s negativities, seeing if anything was available to write down this week. None was. I am scared. I will find a solution to this.
And well, this week was not very good too. Through some incidents, I learnt in-depth how much time and money did I waste last year on that meaningless stupid bitch and how the people who came with me are now earning well in contrast to me earning nothing. A small part of it is due to me not prioritizing money and earning but … before this, I gave this part too much share of the reason. Even now, I write blogs that no one reads, I make YouTube videos that no one watches. I am stuck. I am sorry. To me. I thought I was going on the right path. Herein lies the rub too! Who decides what is right? The people who I am talking about are earning a lot. They don’t know about Capitalism and Nationalism, Secularism, Market and Government and how each one of them, poor or pretentiously rich, is a machine and a slave for the elites. Even the children of the elite themselves don’t know. These people don’t know the need to get organized and stand up for their rights. They don't know the science of a revolution and the patience and time it takes, and the processes involved. But they do know how to bait a client and earn money. Those fellows know a lot about job proposals and Fiverr gigs and client seduction traps. I don’t know these things. So … who is on the right path? Which one is the right path? I wish someone could help me. I wish I was this laptop or these fingers running on the keys and not me. Or a goat or my headphones or a nail. I wish I did not exist. I feel so helpless and hopeless at times!
But I guess this is the world I live in, right? Some people of my age wake up and snuggle on their cosy sheets every morning, not worried about a job or studies or siblings or parents or religion. People like me have none of this and so we worry about all of these, and about our fellows of the latter kind too. Some others of my age also have nothing to eat when they get up. At least I know I will have 3 times food after Ramadan. Dad is alive. Mom understands me and listens to me as much as she could. I am still better than most people, I guess. This is what life is supposed to be, right? Ups and downs, crests and troughs ...
In May, I will revamp my Upwork profile and here’s an aim: I will get hired for two Upwork jobs in May. I will also post another Youtube Video. Yeah, this is it. Let’s see. Let’s go. I will write the accounts of Eid in the next lessons. More blogposts will follow too. See ya, bbye mate.
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